Monday, 19 April 2010

I Need Help

I need help, how do I get out of thinking of myself as a victim? I am always putting myself down and I don’t know why I do it. I never seem to think I am good enough and I worry a lot about letting people down.

Is it because I am often in the line of fire when my girls lash out? Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that my husband rarely listens to me and has a habit of walking away while I am talking to him, although he does it to other people as well. I think also the fact that Tim keeps putting off getting a car that I can drive doesn’t help and yes I know that I tell him it is ok but I don’t deep inside it isn’t but I never seem to be able to tell him that. I think the fact that when we discus it he will go one about how little money he has and how he wants to save for this or that and I agree with him but somewhere inside me I think what about me.

I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror as I am overweight and most of my clothes don’t look good on me, well that’s how I feel and honestly I have no idea whether that is true or not. As lately I have a habit of doubting myself.

I never use to be like this and I don’t like this person I want to be the old happy Jo-Anne who liked herself.

Kathy just said to me what do I like about myself but I have no idea what I like about myself anymore.

I would love to know what others think is my best feature.

What I do know is that my girls will most likely not read this as they are not interested in reading my blogs, they really are not interested in a lot of the thinks that interest me. Even when we go shopping I often get the feeling that they once we do what they want they are ready to go home and again I say nothing.


diane b said...

Poor Jo-Anne you are going through a low patch. I'm sorry that I can't help you other than I understand what you're saying and I have felt like that on occasions. Once when It was really bad I went to my GP he gave me medication that made me feel better and I also saw a work psychologist and she helped me get back confidence in myself. I also went on a week's holiday and that helped too. If you can get professional help to get back your confidence then you can be more assertive with your family and rid yourself of the victim syndrome. Hope you can get some help.

Margaret D said...

You are halfway there with your problem. You have admitted publicly you 'need help'.
As Diane suggests, you go seek it.

Try and think positive and I know that's easier said than done.
If your husband walks away when you are talking to him as he does with others, that appears to be his nature these days. If he didn't do it before, maybe it's become a habit with him.

Your appearance, every women is beautiful not matter what they look like. We are not all blessed with good looks and hour glass figures. It's what is in our hearts that really matters.

Many children use their parents, and this I think you see.
It seems the normal 'thing' for that to happen so I wouldn't be too concerned about that.
However, having said that I don't allow my children to use me, or anyone else for that matter.
I will help anyone who needs it.
It's one of my pet hates - to be used.
Good luck.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Hi Diane

Yes I have been feeling pretty low and I am already on medication for depression and have seen a counselor but stopped going when she told me to leave my husband because of his drinking but I love him and will not give up on us as there are more good times then bad ones.

Part of my problem is that I know what they want to hear and often will tell a counselor what I feel they want to hear and not what I am really feeling.

Hi Whiteangel

I know my children and better then some and no worse then others and I know they love me and often they are trying to help me in their own way it is just that I am often so down that things they say and do are taken the wrong way by me.

I should be use to Tim walking away when someone is talking to him by now as he started doing it years ago but I still get so frustrated with him at times.

I want to thank both of you for your kind words and support reading your comments do help.

Carol said...

just came across your blog, it has really amazed me that someone else is feeling very similar to me. I have a 19yr old daughter who I know loves me, but she can come across so mean sometimes and makes me feel stupid and worthless. I don't think very highly of myself, although I am always trying to help others it would be so nice if I could be treated with the same compassion as what I give out.
Cant complain about my husband, he is really good. But my ex was a drinker and very violent, not sure if you are going through that as well, but the guilt trips your family are laying on you is very bad.
I was also reading what you felt about step parenting, and totally agree with you. Step parents have the right to guide and talk to children but certainly not punish. That is for the natural parents only. I am a step parent myself, and even though the house rules are mine, if they are broken its my husband who does the punishing - I would rather be the good guy anyway LOL
I hope you dont mind too much that I have intruded on your space, but I felt such a connection to how you are feeling, my heart goes out to you

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Hi Carol

It was great to read your comment and feel free to leave comments at any time.

My husband isn't violent if he was I wouldn't stay with him, mostly he is just annoying when he drinks.

Yep it sucks when our children treat us like shit and even though it isn't a nice thought I sometimes think what till your child grows up and see how much you like it if they treat you the way you treat me.

It is good to know someone else agrees with me about step parents.

Thank you again for dropping by and leaving a comment.

Sunshine and Shadows said...

I'm sorry you are down. You may need to set some healthy boundaries. We teach people how to treat us. You deserve better. Speak up and let others know what you want. Often we think if they love or care about us enough then they will figure it out, but people are often pretty clueless - men need a written list to figure it out.

Kids are good at taking and not remembering that there is a person inside the mom skin. I know how that feels.

Try to take some time today to do something nice for you - just because you deserve nice things, nice times, and happy feeling. I also need to lose weight, but I am thankful for my body and how it gets me where I need to go. I enjoy feeling the sun or breeze on my skin.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I don't know, but I can feel your pain. I just wanted to drop a note letting you know that you are valuable - just because you are you. Don't forget it!

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Hi Sunshine

Thank you for your kind words I am feeling pretty good today and I am trying to think positive and happy thoughts. When any of my daughters are going off at me I just breathe and say to myself she will get over it don't let it bother you and it seems to be working.

Elyssa said...

Hi Jo-Anne,

I went to my GP and asked for 6 sessions with a Psychologist as part of a Mental Health Plan. If you're dealing with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, you will qualify. It is helping me. I just got another 6 sessions. Medicare pays $80.20, you just pay the difference if there is one. I recommend a psychologist who is also a psychotherapist. And if you don't like the person, you can change over to someone else. I refused to go back to the first person I saw that was rude, critical and unhelpful. Also, feel free to challenge what the counsellor or therapist says! If they suggest something you don't like, tell them! They're there to help, not tell you what to do.

cav said...

Hi Jo

Geez, only 47. Lemme tell you, it's all downhill from there, so you had better get used to it mate.

We only get one shot at life and we must play with the cards we are dealt with.

I deal with a lot of war veterans who are in victim mode. Nobody can help
them until they are ready to help themselves. This is something I have learned the hard way.

When the black dog of depression is biting at your ankles, nothing seems harder than getting off the lounge and doing something. Believe me I know this.

Wanna get better?

Take a risk.

Get some nice clothes.

Get your hair done.

It doesn't matter what body shape you are, or how many chins are falling off your face - other people don't care so long as you present yourself as a clean, neat and tidy person.

If you do not respect yourself, how can you expect others to react to you positively?

The secret to getting back to a useful and fulfilling life is to help others.

Become a volunteer. You don't need to know anything, you don't need any experience - all you need to carry with you is a smile on your face - others will respond to that even if at 47 you are old,fat and ugly!!!

I work with a few volunteers - we never stop laughing. All the people I work with are ugly, so I only turn up to show them how a good lookin' bloke does stuff.

It wasn't always like this. Two other groups I started with became quite demanding of my time and my health was suffering - so I had to say no.

Got that Jo, learn to say no to others who demand your time.

You are not there to solve other peoples problems Jo. Just listen and nod. Then when they pause for breath and dry their eyes, ask them what they think they will do about the problem.

You are not there to make everyone else happy Jo. That is not one of your responsibility. Your responsibility is to make YOU happy.

Got that Jo?

Dunno where to start?

Ring your local council, they will have community groups who will fall all over you to do volunteer work with them.

Just one thing - you will be working with old, fat and ugly people Jo - I'm sure you'll fit right in.

Just keep smiling!

And if it hasn't occurred to you by now, make sure you work on that sense of humour you once had.



Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Hi Lyss

I have seen a number of counselors but haven't been able to find one that I really like the last one told me to leave my husband but I am not going to do that as he is mostly a good man and I am still in love with him. You are right I need to tell them what I think and what I want and till I do that I will not get the help I need.

Thank you for dropping by and leaving a comment.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Hi Cav

Reading your comment made me smile and feel good, I am really trying to think positive and be happy and you are so right I am the only one who can change me and I think I will get there.

I do try to dress nice and like to colour my hair as when there is a lot of grey it makes me feel to old. My dad often tells me that I look nice if only I could get Tim to tell I know he loves me but he isn't always good when it comes to compliments but I love him anyway. He has a habit of giving back handed compliments.

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