Christmas Gifts

Well Christmas is over for another year, hope everyone had a good one like I did. Christmas day was hectic well the morning anyway didn't get lunch till 1.30pm the latest we have ever had Christmas lunch.

I got lots of great presents Kathy gave me a portable hard drive which I was thrilled with as I have wanted one for a while now. I also got a new watch from Tim (which I bought) as well as a lot of little things.

I gave Tim a $500 gift voucher from Harvey Norman which made him happy this is the first year I have been able to give Tim a decent presents as in past year I either didn't have the money or didn't know what to give him.

Christmas morning we had Leo here and it was great watching him open his presents he loved the $2 motor bikes he got from Santa most as he is into motor bikes at them moment, well motor bikes and trains.

Santa is coming soon and that means lots of presents for many people, I love Christmas it is my favorite time of year as I love giving gifts yes I like getting them too but I really love to give.

This year again we will have Leo and Jes here Christmas Eve so will be up early on Christmas Day some times I wonder if there will ever come a time when we get to sleep in on Christmas morning. This year Tasha said she will meet us at my parents place instead of coming here which I think is a good idea.

We ended up borrowing a freezer from my brother to put some stuff in which made hubby happy as he was thinking we would have to buy another one.

I did have him complaining a lot about what I wanted to order from Chrisco, Castle and Hamper King but in the end I got what I wanted anyway as even though he complains about how much I spend he does like it when we have lots of food in the cupboards and freezer and I also get lots of gifts. He told me not to order any gift vouchers but I did anyway stuff him.

Opp and Freezers

At long last I am off to hospital on Friday to have my opp to fix my incontinence and I hope it works as I hate being how I am. I have been on the waiting list a bit over a year and got a letter with the date at then end of October then got a phone call telling me that it had been cancelled then a week after that I got another phone call to tell me that it is back on so I am off to hospital on Friday fingers crossed they don't cancel on me again.

Over the weekend I got stuck in and changed bedrooms around and sorted out stuff which involved throwing out a lot of junk which is now sitting in the trailer on the front lawn I hope hubby takes it to the tip sooner rather then later.

I also need to get hubby to go over to my brothers and pick up a chest that belongs to Kathy which she wants and also a chest freezer which he said I can have that I have to clean out as it smells and get rid of the smell and then we can use it. However my dad now wants the freezer so if hubby doesn't get a move on we will miss out on it and then we may have to buy another freezer as we have Chrisco and Castle hampers coming in a couple of weeks and the freezer we already have is full as Hamper King hampers came last weekend.

Sisters wedding

Well last Saturday was the day my sister Sue became a Mrs again after years of a on off relationship with Mick. I do truly hope she is happy this time around. She looked beautiful and happy.

I didn't stay long at the reception as Kathy was my ride home and she felt uncomfortable there as I did as well, the same goes for my parents and a couple of my nieces. I would have liked to stay longer but since I was uncomfortable I was glad to leave.

Tim came to the wedding with me but he couldn't stay long as he had a 1am start and wanted to leave early enough to be able to get some sleep before he had to start work.

There where bikers there and they worn their leathers/colours and there where bikes out the front and I really just didn't feel at ease.

Sisters Upcoming Wedding

Well to those who comment on my last post I want to say a big thank you, I wish I could say I am feeling better but alas not for more on that see my bigpond blog.

Here and now I wish to speak about my sister I will mention no names as I am not sure she would like me to ok. Now she is getting married next month it will me her second marriage and the mad she is marring is someone she has had an on again off again relationship with for years. They have a tendency to fight a lot and there have been times when she has walked out on him because he is drinking and yelling at her and they are fighting.

Now don't get me wrong I am not saying I don't like the man as he is a nice enough guy as long as you know he is a bullshitter and you can't believe half of what he says. He is in fact my brother in-laws brother so when they get married my sisters will be marred to brothers. Just thought I would throw that in there.

Now the wedding will be in a park and the reception will be held at a outlaw bikers club house this is the bit I have a problem with and I am not the only who has a problem Tim isn't happy about it and neither is my mother or any of my daughters. However of course I will be going as she is my sister and I love her, she doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it.

Mum told me that she said that the only biker that will be there is the one who will be cooking the meat and that she thinks the main reason they are having it there is because they don't have to pay to use the club house just for the meat. She has asked me to arrange for side dishes and to order the cake which I will do, in fact I am very happy to do it.

Just an update

Here I go again I have not been able to post here the last few times I have tried so I will try again. Now how have I been lately well so so except for yesterday when I spent the whole day in bed sick as............................

Other news......... my dad is doing ok he had Chemo again on Monday I think this may have been his last lot of Chemo, he still has to have radio therapy I am hoping at some point he will start to look better as lately when I see him I feel like crying. I don't like seeing my daddy looking so frail.

Tim is still trying to reduce the amount he is drinking although he is still most nights drinking far to much at least a litre of wine a night which is down from the 1.5 to 2 litre he was drinking each night but still a ways to go. He told me he wants to stop drinking by Christmas.

I have had my medication for depression increased again as when I saw the doctor on Tuesday I started crying when talking about my dad, and my girls and how I can't get just one day a week to myself without someone ringing me (usually everyone rings me) or calling in. Like on Tuesday I sent Natasha a text telling her I had a Dr app and could she take me it was in the afternoon but she turned up at 11.30am and got upset with me when I asked you she was here so early and acted like I was the one who was in the wrong because I didn't want her here.

Life feels so hard lately and I often wonder what is the point of anything and I am getting terrible tension headaches again I haven't had tension headaches in years and now I am getting them daily again, I often find myself just sitting with the feeling that everything is just to hard and what is the point of trying anymore. I often feel like I just want to go to sleep for a long time and when I wake up everything will seem easier and better but it's not going to happen.

I hate the way I look I have become so fat and unfit I can't walk very far anymore and that depresses me my clothes don't fit and I want to change things but can't seem to make it happen nothing I do works and yes I do have times when I wonder why I bother but I am still trying. Things have to improve at some point I just don't know when.........................................

Just about me

Here I am back again been a while since I posted here just not been feeling up to doing much lately as I have been so sick and even now I am still coughing so much it sounds like I am tring to cough up a lung................

Things here a going great between me and Tim, I am slowly starting to feel happier with my life I still have a lot of bad days where I wonder what is the point. I would like to spend more time home alone but there is always someone turning up and they just don't get that I need some alone time.

How do you say leave me alone without sounding rude?

I can't seem to say it without offending and upsetting my daughters.

Last night I was home alone, Tim stayed out at Cessnock as he is working again today and it was great being home alone.

Tonight I have Leo again.................................Jessica has a house inspection tomorrow and wants to clean up ready, I don't know I just can't seem to be able to say no and even when I do the girls don't like to take it as an answer and will ask me over and over again until I end up saying yes.

Not Only On TV

Now this is something I always thought you only saw on TV or maybe YouTube but never really thought it happened. However today I found out that does really happen as it happened at the petrol station my daughter works at, while she was at work.

She had just finished serving a customer when she heard a loud bang and looked outside to see a man in his 4 wheel drive driving away from a pump with the hose still in his petrol tank. Her first thought was oh shit what to do then she remembered and hit the emergency stop button, then she walked out the back and said shit shit shit a man has just pulled out a pump the guys walked out had a look told her to ring the boss and started cleaning up the spill.

She was glad it didn't happen while she was the boss.....................although her boss had never had it happen to him either and wasn't sure what to do, he had to ring head office and find out.

At least she said she it wasn't a boring day at work...............................

Feeling Like.......................................

Work up with a cough this morning and feeling like shit and just as I got up Natasha and Blain turned up. When I asked what she was doing here it came out wrong and sounded like I didn't want her here, which wasn't the case as I was already thinking about going back to bed which I did after I had breakfast as I just didn't feel like doing anything. Even watching telly was to much of an effort couldn't concerntraite.

I also have Leo tonight as it is Jessica's poker night, I hope Tim will be able to help me with him I think I will be back in bed soon and I expect to have an early night. I want to be feeling better by tomorrow morning as I have to go shopping tomorrow, I only go out shopping on Fridays as a rule.

More New Things

Over the weekend we picked up a corner entertainment unit of Freecycle I was going to give it to Tasha but whent Tim saw it he decided that he wanted to keep it for us and we gave her our old one. It is pictured above.

I also received a new mobile phone today, I updated online it is a Nokia N51 now I just have to figure out how to use it.....lol Also pictured above.

A Bit of this and a bit of that

Went to the dental clinic yesterday and have to go back on the 29th July for a filling a bloody long wait but at least the pain has eased off some as long as I don't chew on that side.

Going to suggest to hubby that we go out Saturday night to celebrate having the house to ourselves at last.

Yesterday we went out and bought a new Fridge, Washing Machine and Dish Washer all of which gets delivered tomorrow sometime. I am hoping hubby can take our washing machine over to Tasha's place this afternoon, yes we are now giving it to her as I feel if I have to continue to do anyone's washing would prefer it to be Jes and Leo's, compared to doing it for Tasha, Lucas, Blain and Rhyder.

This afternoon I have watched Charlie Wilson's War at last and now I am starting to watch Mamma Mia hopefully now I will get the chance to watch a few movies.

Going Going Gone

Well on the weekend all my girls should be out in their own homes, yes Jessica has finally got her own place. After complaining for weeks that no one would rent to her ever!!!!!!!!!!

She is so excited about moving into her own place, at this stage we don't know on what day she will be signing the lease. I faxed off the paperwork to the Dept of Housing for her to get assistance with the bond.

Tim has told her she can have our fridge and washing machine thats if the washing machine will fit if not I am not sure what we will do. He also told her he would buy her a new microwave. She gave hers to Natasha when she got her own place.

First my head now my tooth

I am over the cold I had and now I am in sooooooooooo much pain now with a toothache at least I can now see a dentist through the free dental clinic. However I have to wait till next Wednesday right now I have no idea how I am going to cope between now and then as the pain is just so bad.

I went out for tea tonight with Jessica and Kathy ordered rump steak, however, by the time I was 3/4 of the way through it I was in so much pain I couldn't finish it. I have taken 2 normal strength pain tablets followed by 2 stronger strength pain tablets and I am still in a great deal of pain.

Oh my Head..............................................

I am one sick mummy at the moment it hit me Friday afternoon and I am now really feeling like shit. I can hardly breath and have had moments when I felt like chopping my head off.......but then I would be dead...........lol

Tim is also sick he sounded awful yesterday but is sounding better today unlike me if anything I am worse today then yesterday.

Everything seems to hard today I just don't want to do anything go anywhere or see anybody.

Yesterday and Today

Last night Jessica went over to a friends house to have a few drinks for her birthday and she stayed out for the night.I of course watched Leo for the night.

He was a good boy although since he didn't get to have a nap until 5pm so he was awake after 2 hours, I let him play till 8.30pm when I put him back to bed and thankfully he was sleep again in about 10 minutes.

On Sunday my niece Heather was taken to hospital suffering a bad asthma attack and if thats not bad enough the attack brought on premature labour. She is due on the 4th August, well I spoke to her this morning and she said she was fine and bubs was fine the labour pains hadn't came back so she was going home.

As usual I have Blain for the night but I am getting fed up with Natasha bringing him over early I said I would have him one night per week not all day and all night but she can't seem to get it that I don't want him here to early I will have to keep at her.

At least I have Jessica here and she is such a big help with the boys I don't know how I would cope without her.........

Happy Birthday

Today is my baby girl's birthday she is 20 today. we gave her a digital camcorder not an expensive one but she is very happy with it anyway. Natasha said she couldn't afford anything and raided my gift box......finding a top and 3/4 pants. Kathy said she will get her something during the week.

I meant to get her an ice cream cake but couldn't afford it and if I asked Tim for money for it he would go on about her being 20 not 2 and doesn't need a cake. He is such a tight ass (more about that on bb)

I thought I had something there for her from Leo but couldn't find it this morning which both upset and annoyed me.

Yesterday & Today

Yesterday I walked home from the Dr's sounds simple doesn't it but didn't turn out that way.I walked from the Dr's surgery to Warners Bay Road not sure how far that is but can say it took me 15mins anyway since the next bit of the walk was either up a steep hill or around some dangerous bends on the road I decided to catch the bus part of the way and get off when I got to the bit where it is all down hill.

The bus came I jumped on then realised it didn't go the way I thought, I wasn't really bothered just thought it was one that went all round the mulberry bush before it go to where I wanted. Not so I ended up in Belmont and had to catch another bus back to Warners Bay.

Well I finally managed to get back to Warners Bay and had to walk up a semi steep hill which I though was going to kill me.......lol

I finely got home 2 ours after I left the Dr's and I can tell you I was stuffed, I was gasping for breath my chest felt like it had a dead elephant on it and the pain was just so bad it went right through my body and part of me felt like I was dying............lol

Just after walking in the door Jessica started she wanted to know what was wrong with me, but this wasn't asked in a caring, worried way but an angry annoyed way.

She said I came home in a bad mood but that wasn't the case I was in fact pleased with my self for making it home. Just because I was unable to speak and was in so much pain that I didn't want to deal with her and Leo.......she wanted me to feed Leo straight after I walked in the door, well that was the impression I got.

We had a big fight and I ended up tell both her and Natasha who was here for whatever reason to get out of my house, they both thought I I was talking to the other one. Natasha did leave in a bad mood but at the time I didn't care.

In fact I ended up having a mini melt down..............

This morning I had another one..............lol

Yep I lost it when 10 minutes after I got out of bed Natasha turned up to just hang out, I told her she could hang around if she liked but when Jessica went out she would have to leave too, that she didn't like but I was like I don't care when Jes goes out I want the house to myself so I can exercise for a bit and just have some time home alone. Before she left she wanted money from me for smokes and me being the softy I am gave it to her then went to my room and cried as I only got paid $45 from Centerlink and she wanted $20 for smokes. I wanted to be stronger and say no but I don't know I just can't seem to do it.

Lately life just seems so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Stuff

Today I finaly bought my Mother's Day presents from Tim I got a new camera as the other one packed it it and I also bought myself a new pair of boots and a couple of tops.

It felt good to buy myself a few things for a change don't get to do it very often.

I told Jessica this afternoon that I think she should see about getting a cot for Leo as he does not like sleeping in the toddler bed. I think it is because he can't move around and when he tries he wakes up and gets out of bed and goes looking for his mum. She had a cot for him when he was littler but someone told her she should get a toddler bed and she did, no way she would listen to me. I wouldn't know what I am talking about.......lol

She said she may be able to get a cot for nothing so that would be good.

Speaking my mind isn't being cranky

I have been informed by my husband and daughters that I have become one cranky ass bitch well I disagree after giving it some thought I have come to the conclusion that the problem is that since starting this new medication I often speak my mind and do not let people walk over me or take advantage of me and they don't like that.

Natasha has just left here and not in the best mood as she was going on again about Tim going guarantor for her and Lucas so they can get another car and I told her it isn't going to happen well that set her off. Going on about how if it was one of her sisters it would be different and I lost it. Told her whats what and she started going one about how I have changed since being on this medication and I told her that as far as I am concerned she doesn't like the fact that I am asking hard questions and not just saying what she wants to hear to I can avoid conflict.

I kept asking her how she thought she was going to pay a loan she would say we have figured it out and I said tell me show me put it in writing so I can see where the money is going to come from to make the repayments and she just kept side stepping the question.

Now I first pissed her off when she walked in the door as she went to the fridge and took out a can of Coke and I said ask first the answer will be yes but ask first. I asked her how she would like it if people walked into her house and just helped themselves to things, she knew I was right she just didn't want to admit it.....I'm 46 and I still ask my mother if I can have a can of drink or chocolate as I think it is just polite.

My Defination of Love

Is not killing them when they are driving you around the bloody bend, yes Tim is driving me mad again. Last night I was eating something and really felt like I would need a drink to wash it down, I tried to ask but was chewing and didn't come out well so I made a drinking sign to Tim who said "what". I swallowed then said I needed a drink and what does he say......"Was that so hard why did you have to wave your hand around I have no idea what that means"

At that point I got mad and told him every man and his dog knew what it meant and he was just being difficult. He wanted to know why I was in such a bad mood bloody men.........

Another definition is putting up with a cranky short tempered cow..........yep that has been me the last couple of weeks getting cranky over the silliest things and then thinking to myself "why"

I hope this behavior of mine doesn't last much longer, I don't like this me.........

On Saturday afternoon Tim and Jessica had another huge fight she called him an A hole and he called her a bitch there was a lot of swearing and carrying on. It all happened while I was laying down so I kept out of it.

When I did get up land come out Tim started to yell at me and I went for a walk as I didn't want to get involved later when I explained to him that my counselor suggested that I not get involve he was more understanding.

He said he was heart broken because of the way she acted and I knew that but I couldn't do anything about it. I have been through it with Kathy-Lee who has told me she hated me and that I was a bad mother so I know how he feels.

Tonight they managed to make up and both said sorry thankfully I didn't like the tension in the house.

Babies

On Mother’s Day my brother and his wife gave mum a small wondersuit and a dummy it took her a few seconds to realize why that was. Yes my sister in-law Leigh is having a baby she is due on New Years Day.

Mum told me today that David wants to know the sex of the baby but Leigh doesn’t and as Leigh said she can’t say ok tell Dave and not me as Dave would not be able to keep it to himself, so don’t know what is going to happen with that.

Now on Monday night I got a phone call from my sister Sandra and she called me aunty Jo and I said what I’m not your aunty Jo and she laughed and said but you will be my babies aunty Jo. Then the penny dropped she also is having a baby and she is due sometime in January, at this time she isn’t sure exactly when.

So in the new year we will have two more members in the family, I am so excited about that as I know it is what they all want.

Sandra was a little worried she wouldn’t be able to have a baby and I think it is great that she is going to be a mummy.

Chemo

Well Chemo is back on the cards as one of the lump nodes taken when they removed his lung came back malignant he will also be having radio therapy. First he has to fully recover this includes eating better.

When I saw him this morning I thought he looked drawn in the face and I could tell he had lost a bit of weight and this is a worry. Mum bought him an English muffin and he couldn't even manage to eat all of one half of it.

When mum told my sisters about him needing chemo they both got very upset and cried I however, didn't cry yes I was upset and yes I do worry about him but I am thinking positive.

Mother's Day Shopping

I have spent some time Mother's Day shopping for my mum as well as for Tasha and Jessica. I have also bought something for my sisters to give our mum as they have a habit of saying they can't afford to get something. I didn't spend much money on gifts for my sisters to give mum.

I do get annoyed at times as I feel they are not kids anymore and I don't have much money either but I always manage to get gifts for my family when needed, so I don't get why they can't. I have tried not getting them something to give mum or dad but when I did that they just didn't bother with a gift which upset dad a lot more then it did mum.

I even had to buy something for Natasha to give me but at least the other two have managed to get me something on their own not sure if Tim has bought me anything yet.

Popping Air Bubbles

I have been a bit slack lately I just haven’t felt like doing much anyway lets get to the point my dad is doing much better now saw him yesterday when I saw him he looked good made me feel better as I have been very worried about him.

We are having lunch today but mum said she isn’t cooking as she doesn’t feel up to it so we will get either pizza or KFC. Dad isn’t eating much at all but as mum said that is normal she was the same after she had her op.

He can still hear and feel the air bubbles popping, the other night he coughed a bit and ended up in a great deal of pain when he coughed David held dads side to try and prevent dad ending up in a great deal of pain. At the moment when dad is sitting watching telly he holds a towel against his side, he said it makes him feel more comfortable.

This post should have been written on Tuesday or Wednesday but I haven’t felt like doing much of anything still don’t as I now have the flu.


Anyway my dad was operated on, on Tuesday all went well they removed the top half of his right lung and of cause is still in hospital. He has been recovering well although he is in a bit of pain he did have an epidural in but it has came out this happened the last time he had an operation. Now he is just being given tablets for the pain but he is still complaining to mum about the pain, he won’t complain much to anyone else.


On Wednesday he had some idiot physio come round and clamped his drainage tube, which cause his face to swell up when the nurse discovered this after my mum went and told a nurse that his face was swollen. The nurse got a doctor who got another doctor and in the end told him he would be ok after a few days. His face is full of air and when you push on it you can hear it pop like rice bubbles pop.

Just some stuff

We have new carpet at long last they came and replaced it on Thursday and it looks good it is now blue naturally it's the cheap stuff that the Dept of Housing lays but at least it looks good. We have only been nagging them for 5 years.

We also went out and bought a new lounge today it's not a good one only $200 from Fantastic Furniture and it folds down into a double bed it's one of the click clack ones. We will be saving up for recliners now and will get them when all the kids have moved out and don't look like coming after a few months.

Now we just have to get our dinning table out of storage so we can have somewhere to eat at again.

Also today we took the old dining suite over to Tasha's place along with a microwave we had in storage which was Jessica's but she gave it to her sister.

This morning I went shopping with mum before she went over to see dad and because she wasn't there at 9am dad rang her twice wanting to know where she was and she had to remind him that visiting doesn't start till 10.30am and since he is no longer in a private room she wasn't able to go over early.

Good Friday

Today as we all know is Good Friday and although I am not an overly religious person I do not believe in eating meat on Good Friday but my darling daughters are not so inclined.

Tasha walked in at lunch time with Lucas both eating a pie when I said something Lucas tried to tell me that I had chicken last Easter. I wonder if he ever listens to the rubbish that comes out of his mouth.

Anyway the next thing I know Kathy is here complain she is hungry and I say find something to eat as long as it isn't meat and I could tell by the look on the face that she had already eaten meat today. Now to Jessica she wanted me to go to the fish and chip shop for her but I said no I didn't want to go out so she went out herself and came back with KFC.

I said nothing but I was thinking it is one day a year how hard is it not to have any meat for this one day. I guess I just have to accept that they are adults now and I can not control what they eat any more.

Bad News and Not so Bad News

Thank goodness for a stomach pain was all I could think when mum told me the news this afternoon.

What news is that you are asking well dad went to see is specialist today and he was told if they hadn't found the cancer when they did he would have been dead in 6 to 12 months..........

He was also told if the cancer had spread he would only have had about 18 months and that is with chemotherapy..........

The good news is that after he has his operation next Tuesday he should have at least 5 years but I know my dad and he will be around a lot longer then that.

So I am very glad he had such bad stomach pain that he had to go to emergency that night. As dad hasn't had any symptoms and would have been unaware he had lung cancer until it was to late to do anything. I believe the stomach pain was someone's way of getting him off to the hospital.

Truck Driving

On Thursday afternoon while I was having a nap Tim got a phone call from a mate asking him if he would like to go with him to Brisbane as a second driver this is called 2 up driving.

Anyway he said he would go and he enjoyed the trip he left on Thursday afternoon and got home at midnight last night. He was paid cash in hand and that is always good.

It also looks like he may have another job he has a driving test on Monday and if that goes well he will have a job so fingers crossed it will all go well.

Update on my dad

Just an update about my dad he had an operation today to remove some of the lump glands in his stomach area as the doctor thought they looked suss on the scan he had done.

If the cancer has spread to there then they will not be able to remove his lung and he will just have to have chemotherapy and radio therapy.

Hope it is not long before he gets the results from this opp back as he feels like it is all drawing out so long, and he doesn't want his kids to know how worried he is yeah like we can't tell and we aren't worried ourself.

Progress

My darling husband has been speaking to our GP about his drinking and has been referred to a drug and alcohol centre at the Mater hospital. This is great news I am so happy with him for doing this I just hope he goes and it helps him.

I told him the other day that I do not like the way he treats Jessica she went up to him to show him something she bought and he was very nasty to her and she said "if thats how you feel I will never speak to you again" and what was his response "I should be so lucky". When I told him this is what he said to her he couldn't remember in fact he couldn't remember anything that happened that night and that has become a habit with him.

He told Jessica last night he loves her and worrys about her and is sorry about the way he has been acting and that when he was talking to the doctor about his drinking he was thinking about her and how bad their relationship is.

At the moment I am proud of him.

Two Down One To Go

Yesterday morning Natasha had a phone call from the Dept of Housing the woman wanted to ask her a few questions, Tasha said can you ring me back I am on the toilet.......lol

Anyway when the woman rang back she asked Tasha if she still wanted a Dept of Housing place and when she said you she was told that they had a place for her. This she feels is great news except for the fact it is in a suburb that she would rather not live in but still she is taking the place, as Lucas said to her you don't know you may like it there.

So she should be moving out in a couple of weeks she has to wait until the place has had the carpet replaced and any other repairs done.

So now there is only Jessica and Leo to get out again then it will be just me and Tim here.

Boys Bedroom

After nagging my hubby for over a week he has finally set up the bed in the boys bedroom, my brother was giving away an old bed he had at his house and I thought it would be good to have for the boys to sleep in.

So last night Rhyder got so see in a bed instead of on the floor or in with Tasha & Lucas. Now to see how Blain goes sleeping in it as he prefers to sleep with his nanny and papa. I am hoping he will like having his own bed; it is a double bed so I hope he will be happy having a double bed.

Speaking of Rhyder his mother told Lucas this morning she is thinking about moving to the Gold Coast this of course has upset Lucas at the thought of not being able to see his son as often as he does.

Worn Out and Frustrated

I am so worn out with looking after Leo who is sick and putting up with Tim who drives the patience of a saint between him and Jessica it is a wonder I haven't gone insane yet.

Dad is still waiting to have his pet scan went over to have it done only to be told the machine was broken so now it will be Friday before it is done.

Tim has been spending every day looking for work well the days he isn't working which is both good and annoying I have asked him to do a few things around the house as well as mow the lawn and clean up the back the yard.

The Runs and Tim

I have been sick since Saturday night it came on while I was watching The Bill, I suddenly had to run to the toilet and yesterday I felt sicker then I have in a long time, thankfully I was able to spend all day yesterday in bed and no one disturbed me,

I am feeling a bit better today at least I am no longer running to the toilet all the time. Although I am feeling worn out and I will be going back to bed shortly.

Tim has been away working this weekend and returned home at around 3am this morning at 5am I was woken up by Leo crying and Tim and Jessica fighting. This fighting just got worse as time went on Jessica was yelling and swearing but I could tell that she was doing it mostly to piss off her father. Yes he had been drinking he told me he had 2 large glasses of wine which is equal to 4 glasses anyway I asked him to just let it go but he wouldn’t and in the end Jessica to Leo and said she was going for a drive. After she left I asked him was he happy now that he drove his daughter and grandson out of the house yet again he told me to shut my F#*ing mouth at which point I walked into my room got dressed and told him I was going for a walk he made some smart ass remark then said he was going to sleep in his van.

So he is now sleeping in his van and Jessica is home asleep in her bed and Leo is back in his cot. I think I will now go back to bed myself.

My Dad

Sunday night my mother had to take dad over to the hospital well it was really Monday morning as it was at 4am, He had bad stomach pains and really felt sick anyway they couldn’t find anything wrong with him but thought he might have a spilt at the top of the stomach so they sent him for a chest X Ray.

Well the X Ray showed a shadow on his lung the size of a saucer and it wasn’t there 5 years ago when he had his last chest X Ray, He has had a number of tests and we are still waiting on the results of some of them he has to have a PET SCAN but of course the machine to do the scan at the John Hunter is broken and he will have to go somewhere else to have it done so he has to wait till the 16th to have it done.

Found out this morning that dad does have lung cancer when mum told me this I had a good cry, he will have to have chemo but at this stage we still don’t how much of his lung with have to be removed.

Feeling Distraught

Well everyone has heard the saying “with friends like that who needs enemies…………”

I will now give you an example of that saying my oldest daughter Kathy-Lee discovered last night that she was missing $1600 from her money box. There was no sign of a break in and the only other person who has been there is a so called friend of Kathy’s.

You can imagine how distraught she was when she realised she rang me in tears I handed the phone to Tim who spoke to her for a bit then when he hung up he rang the police they said a office would be out there straight away so he got Jessica to drive him to Kathy’s. The police arrived a few minutes after he did and took a statement had a look around agreed there was no sign of a break in and then took her friends name and phone number and said he would be speaking to her today.

This morning the finger print guy turned up and looked at the money box but said that he could only find a few smudged prints.

I will let everyone know what happens if anything.

Looking For Work

Well my darling hubby is at work again tonight doing another concert I think and he is working on Monday night also doing rail. He has been busy all week looking for work handing in resumes and even went for an interview on Friday.

So this first week of having him home has been ok he hasn't managed to drive me crazy yet.

He said he may get a bit more work for a company in Sydney and asked me if I would be ok with that and I said yes of course I would be as long as he is happy and when he is working he is happy.

A Good Night

Tomorrow I have to go and see my counsellor again so I hope the Dr has faxed over the referral. I have been thinking about getting Tim to come to a visit with me but I am just not sure part of me would like him to another part doesn't...........I guess I will go with the when in doubt don't rule...........lol

Last night I had Leo for the night Jessica went out for the night and he was really good although I only had 3 hours sleep before he woke up and stayed up for 2 hours but unlike his mother I didn't get upset with him at all.

This morning she sent me a text asking if I would take him to Sunday lunch and I said NO but she text back pleaseeeeeeeee and again I said NO but then she said she didn't know when she would be home so I ended up taking him. However when Lucas wanted their car I asked if Jes was home and she was so I told him she could drive him over to get the car and take Leo home with her......she wasn't happy about it but I didn't care.

Lunch was good only me and Sandra their with mum and dad although Sue turned up just for a visit and after lunch Sandra drove me home.

Today has Sucked

What a day it has been found out today my niece got a job also found out today that my darling husband has lost his job, this was not unexpected but still upset me. Tim is not upset as he feels he will get another job sooner then later.

He said he will start looking on Monday as he can't do anything this weekend as he has to work.......lol He is working in Sydney driving buses for the weekend and in fact he is working every weekend for the next 6 weeks. Tim is not the type to do nothing and I know he will be looking really hard for another job.

Holding Back Tears

Why do some men find it hard to cry in front of others even those they are closest to……………….

A few days ago Lucas had a phone call from his mother telling him that his grandmother was very ill and not expected to live out the week. Since she lives in Dubbo it wasn’t going to be easy for Lucas to get out there to see her but it was something he really wanted to do as he was very close to her.

Yesterday his mother rang and told him she was on her way to Dubbo to be with her as she really wanted to be there when she died, however she rang again this morning at 6am to let Lucas know that his grandmother had passed away.

Tasha told me she could see him fighting back the tears and wouldn’t look at her but she could hear in his voice how torn up he was. After getting a few more hours of restless sleep he decided he was going to drive himself to Dubbo which he did. This was not something he wanted to do as he doesn’t have a licence but he hadn’t been able to find any other way to get there.

Her funeral will be on Saturday which is also Tasha’s birthday so Lucas is also upset that he will not be here for her birthday but of cause she understands.

TIM

Well some good news at last on the drinking front no problems for the last couple of weeks but still holding my breath as I feel he could lose it any weekend. Which is why I am taking it one weekend at a time, yes he is still drinking not sure whether it’s as much or not as he is good at hiding it. I will say though that I have seen him with a glass of coke in his hand more often the last couple of weeks.

As you can imagine he doesn’t like to talk about his drinking but I did tell him I am fed up feeling like I am and I need to see him making a change and I can say I am seeing a change at the moment. However I have been down this road before and I have let him know that if he starts going off his head again then he will have to leave as I am not going to but up with it any longer.

I do not think he thinks I am serious so at the moment it is a wait and see time. I know it would be hard for me to tell him to leave as I love him so much and when he is not drinking he is a loving man.

Living on thin Ice

I went and saw my counsellor yesterday it was good to talk to her; I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days about how Tim has been.

He has black outs caused by his drinking and it isn't easy to deal with. I am so over his drinking and carrying on I wouldn't and don't mind if he drinks and doesn't get loud and abusive but as it is I can't tell from one weekend to a next how he is going to be.

Had another big fight here on Saturday night causing Jessica to leave with Leo and not come back till late when he was in bed. At the time he kept saying I didn't love him and I wanted a divorce which just pissed me off. When I tried to talk to him on Sunday about it he of cause didn't want to talk about it saying that was last night why bring it up now........so what did I do I brought it up at my parents place and we discussed it there but still not answers.

I am numb by it all and feel like I am at breaking point. I will try and talk to him again I want to tell him that I want him to show me he is willing to make some changes........like when I think he has had enough to drink if I say so he doesn't get abusive with me...lol…. don't see that happening.

Tim he can be fine for ages then for some reason he will go off his head. I feel like I am walking on ice wondering if the next step will cause it to crack.

Fighting

The fighting between Jessica and Tim is ridicules (may be spelt wrong) at times, they both like to have the last word and neither like to admit when they are wrong although Tim reckons he does but he doesn’t not until a few people have told him he is wrong.

I feel like he is driving Jessica away and for Leo’s sack I want her here at least until June by then Leo will be 18 months old and I hope she will be able to cope more with him.

I do have to say the fighting gets on my nerves at times they will fight over nothing at times like now Tim is watching something on the weather channel and Jess asked why he was watching it and he gave her some smart ass answer and now they are arguing about it. Why he couldn’t just say it only goes for half an hour and I’m interested in this type of thing I don’t know.

The smart ass answer he gives does nothing but piss people off.

Go Figure

The contraceptive pill causes male infertility have you ever heard such rot………Well this what a report in the Vatican newspaper said apparently it is because of hormones in females urine what a stupid thing to say.

We All know how the Catholic Church feels about artificial contraception but this seems over the top to me.

Staying With Dawson

I spent last night at my parents place again and today I am watching Dawson for his dad as he doesn’t want to go to his mothers.

His dad dropped him off at 7.30am but thankfully he didn’t wake me up, I didn’t get woken up till 9am by Jessica and Leo after getting up I asked Jess if she would go and buy Macca’s for us all which she did.

Last night she had a big fight with her dad and he told her she wasn’t parenting Leo right so she stormed out and wouldn’t go home again she ended up spending the night in a motel.

She said this morning that she doesn’t want to go home until I am there; I tried to tell her that her father worries about her and Leo but she didn’t want to listen.

Bit of this bit of that

Today I didn't get to have my sleep in as Jess came in at 6.30am and asked me if I would get up and help her with Leo, I didn't realise at the time that meant me looking after Leo and her going back to bed. However since he is fine just playing and wondering around I don't mind but I will be getting her up and going back to bed myself in an hour or so. I am just so bloody tired had a late night thankfully she didn't wake me up during the night.

On Friday Natasha and Lucas left for a holiday they have gone to visit an old friend who lives somewhere near Casino, they will be back on Tuesday I think. I hope they have a good time although I know she will be missing Blain.

Yesterday I picked up a highchair of Freecycle for Leo it is in pretty good condition only problem is it doesn't fold up but it was free and I can live with that.

Bloody Carparks

Today I went shopping at Westfield Kotara and while I was driving in I came to a small round about well there where cars in front of me stopped, when the cars started moving and the second car in front of me didn't move so the young guy in front of me peeped his horn but the car still didn'tmove so the young guy yelled out move your car. At this point the old man in the stopped car got out and said "why am I here" the young guy said "I don't know why your here just move your car" to which the old man said "I can't move it I don't know how to drive".

The the young guys attitude changed and he said are you ok mate then one of his mates got out of the car and said "I will move the car" and another young guy said I will go find security. So they move the car out of the way and I was able to get past.

Then while I was looking for a parking spot I asked an old woman who was packing her car if she was leaving she looked at me and I said I don't mind waiting but then she said no I'm not. Well as I drove off I my phone rang so I pulled over and talked to my daughter just as I hung up I looked in my rear view mirror and guess what the old lady was leaving.

So I got out of my car and stood in front of her car as she tried to drive past and said to her why did you say you were not leaving I don't understand why people say that I didn't mind waiting, she just looked at me and said nothing.