Monday, 4 March 2013

Wits End



What does a parent do when they feel like they have failed their child, if your child feels like they have failed and come to you crying and upset does that make you feel like you are failing because there is nothing you can do to help your child help their child...........

This is how I have been feeling today about my daughter Jessica and her son Leo, as some of you may know Leo started school this year and after his second day they reduced his hours to only 2hrs of a morning and even since doing that he has been sent home a couple of times for not liseten or throwing funiture or as happened one morning for kicking a teacher. That was when they reduced his hours.


Jessica feels like he never listens, never does what he is told, never eats anything she prepares for him unless she yells and screams and goes off her head at him. She feels like he doesn't try or try to try he just says I can't or I don't want to and then tunes out until she yells at him.


She feels like no one wants to be around him except his grandparents and her and there are times she doesn't want to be around him. Her sisters always say he is to hard to handle and don't want to watch him for her not even for a short period of time.


She feels like the school have given up on him and just send him home because it is the easy option and have said nothing to her about extending his hours at school.


I just don't know what to say to her when she is a mood and distressed over his behaviour I have tried telling her that yelling will not help in the long run but she just gets angry with me and says nothing else works................I have tried to tell her there are no quick fixes it will all take time but as I said she just gets angry with me. I know she doesn't mean to be angry with me she is just frustrated and at her wits end. I have also tried to tell her that I think getting angry and yelling is teaching him to get angry and yell but she says nothing else works and I don't know what to say to her............


While they were here today I  had to go mad at him for going and gettting a small bottle of Coke without asking, I am tying to get him to ask first but there are times when he doesn't and what did Jessica say.............."see he does whatever he wants" and yes he does but even though I was mad with him I didn't yell I spoke firmly and told him he knows he has to ask. His logic is that if he had asked the answer would be NO so he didn't ask............

35 comments:

  1. i would say she needs to tough love him NOW! cut all sugar and caffeine from his diet and set STRICT discipline. he can eat what he is given or go hungry he wont starve eventually he'll eat and take EVERYTHING away from him no tv or games let him read a book or do chores if he's bored. she needs to nip this in the bud NOW! also i was raised old school and while some disagree a spanking doesnt kill you and it definately will make him think twice about his behavior. i have a godson who got out of control and it started just like this his mom listened to all the bleeding heart liberal dr spock crap and now he's 14 and in reform school. your daughter needs to make the hard decisions and come down on him like a ton of bricks.............it's too bad they no longer paddle in school cause the board of "education" kept me on the straight and narrow just fine!

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    1. I have tried to suggest that Jes should take a good look at his diet and I know I am not always doing the right thing for him in that regards but I am tying and failing but still trying.......

      I agree schools now days seem to be slack when it comes to disapline........a good firm smack isn't a bad thing

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  2. tough love and diet diet diet.

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  3. Has he ever been assessed for ADHD.

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    1. They have told us they think he may be adhd but we have not got a firm diagnosis as yet

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  4. I am so glad he has such a good family around him. There is no easy answer for this~

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    1. True no easy answers which is frustrating

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  5. Your daughter does have a problem with Blain...I wish her luck in sorting it out over time.

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    1. Yes she does have a problem with Leo not Blain......wrong daughter and son.......lol

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    2. Sorry Jo-Anne, no excuses from me, just got the name wrong :)

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  6. I agree with the others, start with his diet. No caffeine, no soda, no sugar. And I am also wondering if he has been assessed for ADHD. What is his pediatrician saying??? AND are all of his caregivers consistent in how you handle his outbursts. Yelling usually is counter productive. I used to manage a preschool and found that the more the parent yelled the more misbehavior ensued. Calm and firm...issuing consequences for inappropriate behavior. Still if he has an attention deficit disorder you may need some professionals to give you some guidance.

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    1. There has been no firm diagnosis but they think he has both ADHD & ODD he goes back to the pediatrician next month I think, but there is an app at the school tomorrow to discuss his behaviour and what happens next. I sent the school an email yesterday afternoon with my concerns and this morning they rang Jes to arrange the meeting for tomorrw.

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  7. How old is he? And I think maybe they should go talk to a therapist. That is what I would do.

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    1. Leo is 5 and I agree talking to a therapist might help at least it might help Jessica

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  8. That sounds so frustrating. I'd definitely be looking into professional help--maybe exploring his diet, sensitivities, that sort of thing.
    Good luck. It must be awfully hard to be on the sidelines but still in the thick of it.

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    1. Yes it is very frustrating we are seeing people at an organisationg called Kalidoscope that are suppose to be helping him but at times I wonder if they are doing any good. I have made suggestions about his diet in the past but Jes just doesn't follow through

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  9. Its probably worth getting a time out routine sorted for him. Maybe even building up a praise system where if he does as he's told it will gain him points which will eventually lead to a nice day out or something. The other thing is maybe phoning one of those TV shows where they come and help get that balance again.

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    1. Jes does have time out and he knows to go to his room when he is in trouble but it still doesn't help much. I sent an email to the school yesterday and they have arranged an appointment with Jes tomorrow to discuss what happens next

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  10. It seems a shame (and I admit I'm no pediatrician) but it seems the school has given Leo just what he wants. I hope you find a way to help him.

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    1. Yes we do think at times sending him home gives him what he wants.

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  11. Wow! I knew you were having problems with Leo, but it sounds as if it's getting worse. I agree with the folks who say avoid caffeine and sugar. I also think Jessica should try whispering instead of yelling. But I realize it's very easy to give advice and not always so easy to affect a change. I certainly wish you all well.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Yes it does feel like it is getting worse at times but we can just take it one day at a time and hope for the best.........Yes I feel that it is easy for me to tell Jes what to do but since she is the one who has to do it there is little more that I can do.............

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  12. As you say there is little more you can do if Jes won't take your advice. All the comments have been good. Jes needs to try and speak firmly and calmly. If she can't she needs to walk away from him calm down and then try to reason with him. The doctor needs to get him assessed but sometimes they wait until the second year of school. It is a common practice now to send them home after 2 hours and then slowly increase the hours as his behaviour improves (usually with therapy or medication). This is done because the child is usually disrupting the whole class and preventing the others from learning. If none of the behaviour management methods adopted by the school work then they restrict the hours. The school should be able to give you advice on where to get professional help. Jessica also needs lessons on how to deal with him from a parenting course or behavioural therapist. Good luck in this difficult venture. I hope someone can help both of them.

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    1. We had an appoointment with the school this morning and all went well they are going to increase his hours by an extra half hour a day and starting Monday we can only hope it all goes well

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  13. It's really a tough position to be in.. My son definitely has a mind of his own and doesn't always like to listen. Granted he has never been mean, or started hitting, but he is very good at firmly telling me no. The best advice I can think of is for her to put her mean mom pants on. No yelling, but tell him in a firm voice. If he doesn't listen then to timeout he goes (we usually do one minute for how old they are, 2 years old=2 minutes), if he isn't quiet and holding still the whole time then the timer doesn't start til he is. Start taking toys away if you have to. It won't get better unless it is stopped now.

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    1. Yes it is indeed but at the appointment this morning we were told there was some improvement in his behaviour and they will be increasing his hours by half and hour from Monday.

      Getting Jessica to understand that she has to be calm with him is the hardest thing

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  14. Jo-Anne - sweet hugs to you, your daughter and Leo. I feel your frustration and despair. I understand how helpless it is when you feel your child can't be reached.

    We struggled to help our daughter too when she was growing up. Even as an infant she was frustrated that her little body just wouldn't do what her mind wanted to do. It can wear you and them out.

    It wasn't until she was an adult that she discovered she was bipolar and had ADHD. We didn't know even with having her tested.

    Don't give up Jo-Anne. You'll find the answers and it'll be just what Leo needs. I always felt like there was something special screaming to be expressed in our daughter and maybe it's the same for Leo. It was important to us to teach her boundaries, right from wrong and never break her spirit.

    We just have to give them the tools and keep trying to help them find what they love and what their interests are and build on that.

    Our daughter is grown now with a family of her own and with an unboken spirit. She is an RN and a patient's advocate with passion, courage and a voice that's undaunting when it comes to speaking up for her patients. I look at her now and marvel asking myself, "where did that come from?"

    Professionals can be a great help in giving guidance and direction. Today, in our cultures, we're expected to fit in and behave like everyone else -- cookie cutter. But when you come across a child appearing to have their own agenda there's a clash.

    It just takes more work to blend the two where there's a win-win situation and Leo comes out of it feeling good about himself and happy.

    God bless and prayers you'll be guided to the right people and the answers you need. Hang in there! :-)

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    1. I won't give up I love my family to much to do that, the appointment this morning went well, they said he is improving he has stopped running out of the class room when he is told to do something he doesn't want to do........

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  15. Wow. I know this is difficult. I would start with a pediatrician, and then a child psychiatrist. Y'all need help, and then you can address whatever issues he has, poor baby. Please keep us posted!

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    1. Yes it is difficult and we do have a pediatrician but the gap between the appointments with her are too long in my opinion.

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  16. It is never easy as a parent watching from the outside. I have a friend whose son was diagnosed with Superhero syndrome and many members of her family treated him the same. All you can do is be there for her.

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  17. I feel like a failure sometimes. I think all mothers do. Then I pick myself up and just try my best.

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